im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
