I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
