I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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