wrigley field is MILF paradise
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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