So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Is it because I queefed?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
