I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
