yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
