is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
