I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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