i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
