K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
