Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
