so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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