i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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