i would punch a child for taco bell
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
