you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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