if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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