I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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