Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
