Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
