Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
