I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
