you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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