I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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