I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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