Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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