So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Rumble strips road head = magical
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
