So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
