You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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