I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
