I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
