Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
