i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
