my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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