:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
