see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
