How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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