Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
