I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You left your phone here
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