i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
