I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
