She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Say something about gay babies.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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