i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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