his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
