The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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