You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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