he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
