She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Houston, we have a blender
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize