He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
