I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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