Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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