She said her name was "party"
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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