dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize