We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
