Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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