YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
